Thursday, August 4, 2011

What the Frack have I done?!? Is there such a thing as business "addiction"?

For as far back as I can remember I've wanted to create things; songs, products, businesses, inventions, delicious dishes, art, poetry, you name it. My poor mother has heard most of the ideas from wanting to be Annie, to a rock star like Rick Springfield to starting a birthday cake business at school, opening a restaurant in Puerto Rico and pushing MLM products (some of these things I've actually done). I've always had big, big dreams! Forget a small shop, I want to create a colossal brand, spawn franchises, rule the business world, create an empire! I want to be Sir Richard Branson with tits and heels. I have no idea where this comes from, perhaps some past life of greatness cut short or some deeply rooted genetic glitch..lol.. all I know is that I'm internally driven to do more, be more, succeed! Damn it!

2007 saw me walking away from my catering business, Blue Nile Catering, in Manhattan in order to move for a job offer Steve got in Canada. I had originally started BNC the day after a caterer I worked for took credit for my creative touches at an event. That slight, along with being tired of the NYC struggling actress scene, spurred me to action. For a business that started with such meager beginnings ($2000 in my checking account, a few credit cards and a lot of determination) Blue Nile did pretty well for almost 10 years. But it was non-stop, exhausting work that left me little quality time with my friends and family; especially Lukas, who was 2 by the time we moved to Toronto.

When it was all said and done I was both depressed and relieved to end my time at BNC. Dealing with postpartum depression while heading up a growing catering company isn't very fun and missing some of the most important years of your child's life isn't any better either. I have my regrets.

Yet here I am again. New business, new ideas, new drive, new fears, new weight on my shoulders. Yet, if it weren't Lather Unusual I can assure you it would be something else. How to describe it..that drive to create something monumental. Is it just ego? I don't think so, though that does play a part I'm sure in the whole cycle of production. For me it comes down to creativity because at the end of the day I don't feel as though I exist as a fully realized person unless I'm creating something tangible: a thing to share, experience, smell, see, feel, consume, covet. Working in an office was hell for me and I can't imagine what else I would do if I wasn't creating on my own terms... and ideally making a good living at it.

More days than not I'm in "What the Frack have I done?!?" mode, though being a New Yorker "Frack" isn't actually the word I use..lol.. and it's much like being pregnant with Lukas when Steve and I would look at each other and say "My god, what have we done??" because we knew there was no going back. Starting a business is a lot like making a baby, once you sign a lease and commit to the thousand and one things you need to do to start it, not to mention keeping it alive and thriving, you're in it to the hilt. You can't "sort of" have a kid any more than you can "sort of" run a business. Will I ever be cured of this "addiction"? Most likely not. In the mean time I'll keep plugging away because it's the only way I know how to live... at least for now.


Logan
Soap Siren

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